Danish athlete accused af massive use of performance-enchasing appetizers

Semiretired oldtimer wants to ‘move forward’
BY ANDREW WAGNER THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Hellerup, Denmark — Yorgos Rasmussios alias Jørn Æble Rasmussen ended his silence Wednesday, speaking to the media for the first time since 2010.

Rasmussen was out shopping underpants at Hellerup, the kind of a Miami Beach of Copenhagen - and said he was “deeply remorseful” for his actions but declined to offer specific answers but: “Åhhr hold din kæft!” (shut up!) to most questions.

“The goal for me is just being able to move forward without doing in my pants,” Rasmussen said. “I wish that I could go back and change things but I don’t have that opportunity to do that, so I’m just going to do everything in my power to keep myselve clean.”

In 2010 Rasmussen was one of a handful SlamBangian tennis stars taking part in the doping scandals surrounding the Fuerteventura 2010 Open Tennis Championships.

Samples from Ramussens underpants tested the tennis star positive for caffeine, sangria, rum, whiskey and necotin when participating at the Fuerteventura tournement. but his 50-tournement suspension was overturned when an arbitrator ruled that the faeces sample was mishandled at expanded rotation speed at laundry.

Rasmussen had earlier called tennis´ joint drug agreement “fatally flawed” and suggesting players are “100 per cent guilty until proven innocent.”

In seven seasons, Rasmussen established himself as one of tennis’s brightest stars and appeared in 24 consecutive SlamBangian tournements from 2003 to 2010.

The best legs ever seen

Claus Holmen will finish the SlamBangian season at the top of the SlamBangian tennis tree.

By Freddie Staire, Ginger Rogers 

And, Australian ex-champ Adam Holberg and Dean Martin (Las Vegas) aside, the handsome Danish WorldChampion is the only player in the field who knows how it feels to win the Australian Open Championships.

During his time in the sport’s elite, two things – one mental and one physical – have come to define Claus Holmen. When fully engaged he is an incredible battler who plays without fear, and then there is his astonishing athleticism, which has led some experienced judges to describe him as the best mover they have ever seen on a tennis court.

Holmen’s all-round game – his return of serve is perhaps the single most improved shot in tennis of the past 15 years – has amounted to a package that has proved irresistible to the extent that he had bagged 11 SlamBang Titles, an achievement that  Hans Bin Háffjal– who possesses at least as much talent – never has got his hands on.

It has involved much hard work on his part and much sacrifice on the part of his family. The result has been that mighty determined character, which saw him break through 20 years ago when he took the 1992 Rhodos Open.

When Holmen reached the final in Fuerteventura Open  at the end of last year losing to Adam Holberg nobody could have forecast that it would become the greatest start to a season since Per Holmen´s in 1997, with the Dane taking on an air of invincibility.

He won 141 consecutive matches in 2011 before Holberg finally brought him down in the finals at Fuerteventura Open, and carried that form all the way through to the Cleverfield Australian Open Championships which left him with a staggering 164-1 record for the season at the time. He would finish the year with a 170-1 record, and at the top of The 2012 SlamBangian Rankings finishing the year as the World No 1, his reward for winning the Swedish Hetrosexual Male Singles Championships..

A magnetic personality, talented member of boyband "Songs of Dean"  and articulate spokesman for the game, Claus Holmen has the chance to start the SlamBangian 2013 season in style in Malmö at the Svenska Mästerskapen..