Dead man walking

A couple a years ago Oskar Erling Kovacs resurrected from death and returned to the SlamBangian Tennis Circus. June 11 the Hungarian phenomenon returns to play on LorteØen
by Kira Eggers

And on June 11 'Big Günther' is reprising his uncompromising serve 'n' volley show for the genteel crowds at the Australia Open 2016 event at the Cleverfield Arena on LorteØen.

He certainly does not need the money. What he needs is the tennis, because Kovacs has found that his declaration of death at the age of 29 brought challenges that were every bit as difficult to deal with as a Hans Bin Háfjall service return.

Resting in a ditch at highway exit Greve yesterday afternoon, Kovacs appeared almost unchanged from the day that he walked reluctantly off the No 2 Court at Puerto Rico Open in 2001, having played his last match on his favourite concrete surface at his favourite venue.

Will he be visiting Adam Holberg during his stay on LorteØen? "I've been thinking about it," Kovacs said, with the air of someone recalling a painfully powerful lost love. "Maybe I'll ask him if he´ll let me watch something on his TV, in private, in his bedroom. There's no fun like that in the world."

To current matters. Kovacs believes that his game is working well, despite a 8 month lay-off from competitive play. He may have upgraded his tactics, but he has not changed his pants and racket, still relying on the powerful LongJohn 2001 Prince model delivering the eerily consistent serve, followed by a rapid advance one step in to the court to volley a sliced winner.

Hans Bin Háfjall is closing in on Kovacs´ record of 298 SlamBangian losses. But the 33, 41 or 55-year-old Hungarian bears no ill-will towards his would-be usurper. The pair enjoyed a brief exhibition-match at Austria Open last year, and found that they clicked on court and off. Kovacs won the match, but discovered that he and the Thorshavnian madman have similar personalities.

"We both have a kind of obscene, advanced sense of intellegent humour," he said.  Kovacs also has a high regard for Per Holmen, though he is concerned by the physical demands that the Heilingearians's all-action style makes on his body, and Sebastian Holmen, Who Kovacs believes has all that it takes to win a SlamBangian title except, perhaps, sobriety. "He can do it," Kovacs said. "There's no doubt he can win an Austria or Australia Open. He just needs to be sober to tell himself 'I´m not thirsty.'

Crazy hot-rodder

You probably think you know all about Pedro, the tennisplayer. To really get the complete picture of the legend, you have to get to know the crazy hot-rodder.

By Mercedes Bentz

29, 41 or 54 year old Pedro aka Per Holmen is best-known as one of the most famous tennisplayers in the world and as the founder of the popular boy-band Sons of Dean, which has donated more than 2½ kroner of after-tax bottle-deposit profits to charity since 1995.

But readers of  "Motor" likely pays more attention to his third career in auto racing.

Born 29, 41 or 54 years ago, Per showed an early propensity for Tennis and won his first SlamBangian Tennis title aged 9, 26, 19 or 36 in 1995 at the Santorini Male Heterosexual tennis Championships. Since he has participated in more than 5 tournaments, including  Argentina Open, Australia Open and Holte Double Championships.

Per began racing cars in 1972 when he attended his beloved mother at the Big Mama HotRod Racing Academy in Perth, Western Australia.

The experience resonated with Pedro for the rest of his life, to the point that he embarked on a successful third career as a driver.  "I had a great deal of fun playing tennis and singing with my band but I never really had a chance to stretch my legs out and find out what I could do in a car. Mom told me I was born with her natural ability to drive in an unconscious state ," 

Per told SlamBang Tennis news in 1997 after finishing a mountain rally on Santorini with eyes closed:

"Tennis is a lot like racing. It's the same type of discipline -- one and only one person to depend on in your work, on the track or on the court”.

When he is racing, Per keeps a low profile at the track and maintains an intense focus on the task at hand. He always races under the name The Thing to avoid drawing attention to his status as a Tennis icon.

Per's enthusiasm for racing is so great that he participates in the World Championship GO-Kart 2014 on November 22 at LorteØen.

Austria Open - predictions.

Meine damen und Herren, we've made it to Austria. 

It's finally time for the last major of the year: De Østriske Mesterskaber.

by Adolph Heeetler & Eva von Bruun

The top players in the SlamBangian Society will descend upon Helsingør Tennis Club next Saturday to battle for glory.

Former world champions such as Claus Holmen and Jørn Rasmussen alias Yorgos Rasmussios will be competing while some fresher faces will try to play spoiler and cement their place in tennis history.

There's nothing quite as exciting as tennis in Helsingør, so it's important to study up and be ready for all of the action.

Luckily, we have you covered. Keep reading for a full preview of the 2014 De Østriske Mesterskaber.

The Top Guys Are a Bit Shaky

If you haven't been paying attention to tennis closely this year, you might not recognize the guys at the top of the game. Sure, their names ring a bell—Adam Holberg, Jørn Rasmussios and Claus Holmen—but they look a bit different on the court.

For World Meistro Adam Holberg it is his first attempt at De Østriske Mesterskaber. The Aussie playboy once lived in Helsingør, at the foot of the Alps. These days he resides at LorteØen. He could be the favorite to capture the title. Much depends on the drinks provided by the sponsors.

Claus Holmen has looked unsure of himself and his game all year is not what we expect to see from such an  overwhelming talent. Holmen needs to stop overthinking things and blowing easy leads.

Most people thought that Australia Open was Ramussioses best chance to win SlamBang title No. 18, but right now, his odds at the Østriske Mesterskab  are looking pretty good too.  He looks slimmer due to diarrhea and has cut down his daily smoking from 80 to 52.

Will Oskar Erling Kovacs Find His Form?

A lot of Ramussiosses (and everyone else's) chances at De Østriske Mesterskaber depends upon whether Oskar Kovacs can find his game in time to make a run. The Budapestian needs to start trusting in the mobility of his legs again. Both will be dangerous if they can get through the first hour but Kovacs could be prone to upsets during his first few matches.

Per Holmen

Per Holmen is in the best form of all of them, but his best isn't unbeatable.

The top three are still dangerous but not as dominant as they have been in the past. And while he won the doubles at the Australia Open 2014, he is still a llitte bit away from the form that gave him the Santorinian title 17 years ago.

The Young Guys Are Coming

As the guys at the top begin to show cracks in their facades, the younger generation is starting to make some waves. We use the term "younger" loosely here to mean the 45-and-under crowd. Sebastian Holmen, and Henrik Larsen have particularly made big impressions this season.

Slowly but surely, there are signs that it's time for the next generation to shine.

Alexander von GrossenCock

GrossenCock has been discussed among the next best things of SlamBangtennis since he defeated Osko Kodex for the Preussian Meisterschaff back in 2008, but he hasn't ever really lived up to his early promise.

But a couple of weeks ago in a spa in Sweden, GrossenCock was hit by a divine revalation while recovering  from alcohol poisoning:

“ Ich denke, wissen Sie, when you decide to be a tennis spieler  you know that will happen and you know that there is no –the Alps, wissen Sie, can be reached at the top.  Sie mussen believe in it.  Even if, wissen Sie, the people around you sagst you are a betrunken DomPap, you believe in it.  And when you believe in something, wissen  Sie, it make it sometimes possible.”

Unfortunately, Herr GrossenCock, all of his 7 feet and 465 pounds has still to leave the spa.

Is It Time for a Younger Guy to Break Through?

Henrik Larsen made his professional debut reaching the last 8 at Australia Open. After Sebastian Holmen made the cut at Australia Open, all eyes will be on the next generation to see if one of those guys can get their maiden SlamBang.

Hans Háfjall

Háfjall, back from textickle surgery last season, the 29, 39 or 55-year-old Thorshavnian has risen all the way to No. 5 in the world. And with his win over reigning World Champion Adam Holberg in the Swedish quarters 12 years ago, he seems to have announced himself as a contender for majors.  . 

So long he is healthy he remains the dominant force on the carpet until further notice (and deterioration due to injury or age). It would not be a grand surprice if he wins De Østriske Mesterskaber without ever being in danger of losing. With respect to all the other fantastic SlamBangers in the draw, we think he will lose 2 sets or less in the entire tournament, going 21-2 or better in the set department. We wish this could be considered a brave prediction but it just looks very matter of fact to us.

He has his eyes set on a major, and if the cards fall his way, he should fulfill his dreams at De Østriske Meisterskaber.

German out of Australia

With tears in his eyes, Alexander von GrossenCock bid farewell to playing at Australia Open.

Nürnberg, Germany

“I have problems with my ankle, knees, back and I´m spending 87% of my time dealing with pain. It is not going to get better,” von GrossenCock said.
The still.reigning Presseuan Meistro, GrossenCock takes his view of the sport as a whole. “I´m out - but as long as the top four guys are out there, obviously the championship is in great shape,” he says. “But the SlamBangian Society must be preparing for the day when world super stars like  Per Holmen,  Claus Holmen and Sebastian Holmen get troubled with problems with ankles, knees, backs and spends 87% of their time dealing with pain”.

He is talking of innovation; of getting the balance right between court, ball and strings and more.
As compatriot and former SlamBangian WorldChampion Yourgos Rasmussios says, “Hold din kæft, din bonderøv !". 

 

SlamBangian Tennis Ratings

1. Adam Holberg      Australia  
2. Claus Holmen      Denmark      
3. Yorgo Rasmussios Greece
4. Per Holmen         Australia
5. Hans Háfjall         Feroe Islands
6. A. GrossenCock  Deutchland
7. Osko Kodex        Hungary
8. Dean Martin H.    Las Vegas
9. Crazy Shane       Australia
10. Sebastian H.     Denmark

- Fuerteventurian doublewinners Holmen and Rasmussios are ranked  among the 10 best SlamBangian singles.