Monday, October 17, 2016

Tennis titles vacated

SlamBangTennis Society has vacated the SlamBangian World and the Austrian Alpenmeisterschaffen titles as a consequence of the inability to decide a winner of Saturdays Austrian AlpenMeisterschaffe
World titlist Marc Jönson confirmed last week that he suffered from hernia peretonium and been drinking every day after calling off his scheduled defence at the Austria Alpen Meisterschaffen. Having not played since Australia Open when he famously defended the title – he was stripped of
immediately for failing to meet SlamBangTennis Society´s mandatory defence terms. The title along with the undecided Austrian AlpenMeisterschaffe title,  which are now expected to be put on the line in a bout between Dean Martin Holberg, Claus Holmen, Adam Holberg and Yourgos Rasmussios, the top 4 at Saturday´s AlpenMeisterschaffen.
In a statement Jönson said: "I now enter another big challenge in my life which I know, like at the Australian Championships, I will conquer”. He added: "I won the title on the tenniscourt and I believe that it should be lost on a court, but I was unable to defend at this time and I have taken the hard and emotional decision to now officially accept the vacation of my treasured world title."
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Jönson’s hittingpartner, Sebastian Holmen, said the news was “heartbreaking”, but added that the time away from the sport will allow Jönson to get “the medical treatment along with the love of his family and friends and the support of the SlamBang Society to make a full recovery.”
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Saturday, October 15, 2016

Hernia forces Swedish exit

SlamBangian World Champion Marc Jönson is out of Das AlpeMeisterschaffen suffering from umbilical hernia.
A hernia is the exit of an organ, such as the bowel, through the wall of the cavity in which it normally resides.  Hernias come in a number of different types. Most commonly they involve the abdomen, specifically the groin.[Groin hernias are most common of the inguinal. Other hernias include hiatus, incisional, and the umbilical hernia which Jönson has been diagnosed for.
For groin hernias symptoms are present in about 66% of male Swedes. This may include pain or discomfort especially with farting, tennis, football, intercourse or going to the toilet. Often it gets worse throughout the day and improves when drinking. A bulging area may occur that becomes larger when bearing down. Groin hernias occur more often on the right than left side. The main concern is strangulation, where the blood supply to part of the bowel is blocked. This usually produces severe pain and tenderness of the area. 

Sunday, October 02, 2016

Bloodbath in the Alps

Hans Bin Háfjall  is AFRAID to be hit, insists Hungarian legend Erling Kovacs ahead of Bin Hafjall's comeback
Rasmussen, Háffjall, Kovacs and Holberg.
The Thorshavnian superstar Háfjall makes his return to SlamBang Tennis biggest stage on Octobre 15 at the Austrian Alpen Meisterschaffen. But his comeback receives criticism from Hungary´s Erling Kovacs. Get daily news by emailHafjall is facing a strong field led by Kovacs. But Kovacs has slammed Hafjall´s return to The AlpenMeisterschaffen , insisting Hafjall is AFRAID.
On Hafjall's chances, Kovacs told Tennisavisen : “He used to be good server but these days he is afraid to get hit by the return volley”.
In his prime Hafjall was SlamBang Tennis´ most feared server. “It´is dangerous,” Kovacs  continues. “I mean, he is tough and has heart because he will still play and still keep swinging the racket and I will give him that. When you have a guy that can serve, and if you can´t react at the return vollies, then you are in a lot of trouble. It´ll turn in to a boodbath”. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

Celebrating 20 years as champion

It is exactly 20 years ago this week that the world was celebrating one of the most popular victories in the history of SlamBang tennis.
By Lazy Boredom
August 13 1996 was the day Per Holmen became the Santorinian Chamion, defeating Australian playboy Adam Holberg on Kamari Stadium.
Per Holmen was by then firmly established as Australia’s tennis son, despite falling short in three previous title shots at Molivos, Malmö and Svanemöllehallen.
Nothing stirs the emotions more than the fascinating slice of nostalgia in Claus von Trier´s  “Tennis Champion 1996-2016”, a dramadocumentary including the epic battle between Claus Holmen and Hans Bin Hafjall, a brawl forever embedded in our memories.


It was Holmen’s fourth attempt to win a title, which subsequently he has never lost. To be fair to Holmen, what he sometimes lacked in natural ability, he made up for in determination, professionalism and certainly preparation. He was head and shoulders above everyone in that respect.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Sweden rules tennis


What a game. Who would've thought that Jesper Hawk Petersen would take a game from Marc Jönson?  But you knew better didn't you? This is Marc Jönson. That was so cruel for the Hawk´s fans because they were just starting to think there was going to be a massive upset.

Petersen let out a huge roar, his fist shaking wildly as he won his game. The crowd gasped. Was there a shift in momentum? New game, Jönson serving, ace 15-0. Jönson puts into the net on the second point. 15-15. But that's just amazing from Jönson to softly push the ball over the net and out of Petersen's reach. 30-15. Petersen then goes long. Jönson a point away. 40-15...
And then.... Double fault from Jönson! In this game. Really, Nole? Must you tease us so?
Followed by a wide. Goodbye, two points, but I'll see you soon, he seemed to be saying. Drama ensues further after an intensive rally... and Petersen hits it to the net.

13: 39:  Petersen manages to hold. Jönson will serve, seconds away from that elusive title once again.
13: 53: There is so much drama at the Healthtown Stadion, and we are not able to handle it. A ray of light for Petersen.

14:28: Jönson breaks to love. It's all crumbling for Petersen now. And what better way to know the Swede is waiting to wrap it up? He smiles. That devilish, proud smile of a well deserving champion.

14:41: Jönson will serve for his second Australia Open title.
14:42: Petersen is putting up a fight here but he needs more than that. Time is running out. He has taken one – but he needs four.

Jönson is tired and it shows. He had just managed to save a gruelling rally, thanks to Petersen netting it, but he is so tired and has no energy. The crowd is screaming 'Come on Petersen, dit fede møjdyr!' and he seems to be getting his momentum back.
14: 58: Just how is Jönson going to cope from THAT?

15:00: Mother of all Gods. The bell sounds. The fight is over. Saved by the bell. When was the last time Petersen took a game against Jönson? Been the better player by quiet some distance. Jönson had seemed distracted after that incredible game. And what do the stats say? Jönson takes the title. The games and the Australian Open for the second time.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

New facility for Australia Open tennis tournement

The Australia Open 2016 championships has closed the doors to the the Cleverfield Stadion at the LorteØ.
 “At this point, it had to be done,” said Adam Holberg. The Lorteø promotor and tournament owner was on an eightyfive-year contract with the Cleverfield Stadion administration, but Holberg maintains that agreement is no longer valid because Cleverfield has failed to provide vivifying conditions.
 “I can’t predict whether the tournament is going back to Cleverfield next year,” he said. “They’ll certainly have to consider their options. Under the circumstances, this has become a hostile environment to conduct business.”
Rasmussen, Háfjall, Holmen and Holberg move to HealthCity
Tournament officials have declined to tamp down speculation that the tennis facility in HealthCity would be a good alternative for the Australia Open, and yesterday Holberg noted cities as far away as Pisswilde and Towertown would welcome the kind of SlamBangian tennis event that’s been held on the LorteØ since the 1990s.
 “But HealtCity already have the one stadium,” said Holberg. “I could ask the HealthCity Committee to make improvements to it. What they could do is add a bunch of draft beer fustaches as permanent structures.”
Lydia Moonblomst, Christania spokeswoman, said losing the tournament would definitely create a “void” in the Cleverfield neighbor hippie island village, where the SlamBangian tennis matches are a popular draw each year for locals.
“Our ethnic Greenlanders existence depends on the income from empty bottle deposits ,” she said.
But in an interview, Holberg said he wasn’t overly concerned about Greenlanders losing their deposits.
“The economic destiny of the LorteØ and Christania do not depend on a tennis tournament,” he said.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Resurrected from death and back at Australia Open

A couple a years ago Erling Kovacs resurrected from death and returned to the SlamBangian Tennis Circus. June 11 the Hungarian phenomenon returns to play on LorteØen
by Kira Eggers
And on June 11 'Big Günther' is reprising his uncompromising serve 'n' volley show for the genteel crowds at the Australia Open 2016 event at the Cleverfield Arena on LorteØen.
He certainly does not need the money. What he needs is the tennis, because Kovacs has found that his declaration of death at the age of 29 brought challenges that were every bit as difficult to deal with as a Hans Bin Háfjall service return.
Resting in a ditch at highway exit Greve yesterday afternoon, Kovacs appeared almost unchanged from the day that he walked reluctantly off the No 2 Court at Puerto Rico Open in 2001, having played his last match on his favourite concrete surface at his favourite venue.
Will he be visiting Adam Holberg during his stay on LorteØen? "I've been thinking about it," Kovacs said, with the air of someone recalling a painfully powerful lost love. "Maybe I'll ask him if he´ll let me watch something on his TV, in private, in his bedroom. There's no fun like that in the world."
To current matters. Kovacs believes that his game is working well, despite a 8 month lay-off from competitive play. He may have upgraded his tactics, but he has not changed his pants and racket, still relying on the powerful LongJohn 2001 Prince model delivering the eerily consistent serve, followed by a rapid advance one step in to the court to volley a sliced winner.
Hans Bin Háfjall is closing in on Kovacs´ record of 298 SlamBangian losses. But the 33, 41 or 55-year-old Hungarian bears no ill-will towards his would-be usurper. The pair enjoyed a brief exhibition-match at Austria Open last year, and found that they clicked on court and off. Kovacs won the match, but discovered that he and the Thorshavnian madman have similar personalities.

"We both have a kind of obscene, advanced sense of intellegent humour," he said.  Kovacs also has a high regard for Per Holmen, though he is concerned by the physical demands that the Heilingearians's all-action style makes on his body, and Sebastian Holmen, Who Kovacs believes has all that it takes to win a SlamBangian title except, perhaps, sobriety. "He can do it," Kovacs said. "There's no doubt he can win an Austria or Australia Open. He just needs to be sober to tell himself 'I´m not thirsty.'

Friday, May 20, 2016

Another blow to Australia Open 2016

Dean Martin Holberg withdrew from Australia Open on Thursday after receiving an invitation for free drinks on the same date.
“I regret to announce that I have made the decision not to play in this year’s Australia Open,” the 2016 Austrian champion announced on Facebook. “I´m still dehydrated since the Austrian Championships, and I feel I might be taking an unnecessary risk by playing in this event before I am fully hydrated.”
The 29, 39 or 49-year-old world number three, who has been plagued by thirst since he was weaned from breastfeeding, made a comeback after 4 years out of SlamBangian action at the Austrian AlpenMeisterschaffen last septembre winning the championship in a sensational manner.
Despite Thursday’s decision, Dean Martin insists he will keep playing and will concentrate on preparing for the Austrian Alp season and a fresh bid to defend his title at Helsingör.
 “I am sorry for my fans on LorteØen but I very much look forward to returning to Cleverfield, LorteØen in 2017.”
Martin’s withdrawal from the Australia Open, which starts on June 11, means that nine-time champion Adam Holberg will be promoted to fourth seed in the draw behind Jesper Falk Petersen, Claus Holmen and defending champion Marc Jönson.

Martin’s absence is another blow to Australian Open Championships organizer, Adam Schall Holberg who have seen Preussian star Alexander von GrossenCock sidelined through a homophobian protest while former world number three, Hans Bin Háfjall will play only at 13% of full capacity due to a weakness of his right index finger.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Australia Open Tennis: "It's Always Been Homophopic"

SlamBangian tennis star Alexander von GrossenCock feels there's a systemic homophopic problem on LorteØen that goes beyond the Australia Open Championships.
The 29, 39 or 49 year old Preussian giant will not participate in the championships, nor will he watch the broadcast.
For the 135th consecutive year, there is a lack of diversity among the participans with only heterosexual players battling for the trophy.
The former two time Preusian Meistro  was blunt when commenting on why it's been that way for so long. "It's always been homophopic. It's kind of a reflection of what the LorteØ is," he said.
"They call my era the Golden Age of SlamBangelang Tennis, but I think the Golden Age of SlamBangelang Tennis still exists. As for his thoughts on what can bring more diversity to LorteØen, he said, "We change when we that are oppressed force it to change."
Anders Nal reporting

Friday, May 06, 2016

Match-fixing at Australia Open 2016

Svein Kokousse reporting
A month before the first ball is served at the Australian Open, SlamBangTennis News releases the shocking news on match fixing in tennis.
"The news alleges that there is involvement among a tennis top-ranked player and that SlamBangian authorities are ignoring the evidence" (signor Al Capepone).

This isn't new to the SlamBang Tennis Society
Hungarian tennisplayer Oskar Erling Kovacs suspected match-fixing and a 2003 investigation found evidence of corruption at Puerto Rico Open. The report mentioned an “either corrupted, drunk or blind empire” ruling the finale.
Players are speaking out on the subject
Most notably, Thorshavnian Hans Bin Hafjall revealed that, during his 2-235 win-lose career, his 2 wins were gained only because he was´nt  offered his usual about 20.000 Drachmas for losing. He said that he attended the two tournaments, Kreta Open 1995 and Skåne Open 2001 even though never getting an offer. "For me, that's an act of unsportsmanship, a crime in sport honestly."
But the young Danish star, Sebastian Holmen referred to the news of suspected match-fixing as speculation, saying, "I don´t recall having heard of or seen anybody offering med money for losing."

And  Plomarian veteran, Yorgos Rasmussius noted: " σκάσε ηλίθιε   .

Friday, February 26, 2016

LorteØen is ready for invasion of international tennis stars

The Australia Open Championships (currently sponsored by Tulip Bacon) is an annual tournament for male SlamBangian Tennis players. It is also known as LorteØen Tennismesterskaber for Heterosexuelle Ketsjerswingers and Tulip Bacon Championships. The event has been held at LorteØen every year since 1932, and is played on clay courts at the Cleverfield Tennis Courts. The tournament is part of the BangSlambelang Tour on the SlamBangian Tennis Circus. Claus Holmen has won the singles title a record 23 times and 2015 winner Marc Jönson of Sweden will defend the title on june 11th as both former champs Claus Holmen and 22 time winner Adam Holberg (Australia) will be part of the the strongest challenging field ever seen.
Australia Open Championships is on of the most important tournament on the SlamBangian Tennis tour and the event generally takes place in june, when temperatures in Sidney average a daily high of 19°C.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Danish tennis star beaten by teenager in Puerto Carmen

Tennis teenage sensation Claus Holmen went full-throttle to
take out the title at this year’s Lanzarote SlamBang Tennis Championship at Puerto Carmens TennisComplex. 
By Johny Weismüller
Holmen , 14, was overjoyed at winning his first title at SlamBangian level.
“On Saturday, during practice, I started off on the back-foot as I wasn’t feeling so good with my balls,” he said. “Today, I turned things around pretty wel...l. First set was really intense. It was really good. I took out the first set 6/0 in about 11 minutes.
“The second set was probably the best one. I was battling it out with Claus Holmen, 29, 44 or 58. It was good fun. I took the set 6/0 in about 9 minutes.
Claus was impressed with the tennis courts at Puerto Carmen. “The court was magnificent. It was nice and grippy and the weather wasn’t too bad,” he said.
“I also got a personal best – a 8 min 01.972sec – which I beat my original PB by about four or five minutes in the third set (6/0).”
“I’m really happy with my result. It’s a good way to finish the year,” Claus Holmen said

Monday, September 14, 2015

Las Vegas's Dean Martin Holberg completes sensational comeback with Austrian Championship Title

Dean said he was in a state of shock after winning the Østriske Mesterskab, just 4 days after coming out of retirement and on the back of only 4 minutes' training per day. 
By B. Obama. Creditted with a WildCard he was as amazed as anyone when he remained undefeated through the tournament in Helsingör on saturday. The 29, 36, 41 or 62 -year-old therapist from Sunred South Coast, had called time on his racket career after Australia Open 2011, feeling overwhelmed by the pressures and temptations of being a teenage sports phenomenon but, on a whim, decided to contest at the Østriske Mesterskaber 2015. 
By competing in the tournament, which boasted 8 of the world's top-20 players, Dean had already ensured he would replace Adam Holberg as the top-ranked Holberg when next SlamBangian world rankings are released.
That rapid rise had come on the back of his 4 comeback wins.
“Sebastian really played some unbelievable tennis in parts. He may not be feeling his best, but I’m just really happy I was able to take a few of the chances I created. It was two hours and 17 minutes of very, very tough tennis,” said Dean after defeating the talented youngster Sebastian Holmen
It was his second SlamBangian title after his victory in Malmö, Sweden, in 2007.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Austrian Championships set for Septembre 12

Hans Bin Háfjall agrees to fight Oscar Kovacs
By Ilse Numsensvans
The Austrian Championships, established in 1915 as Herman Göring Alpen Meisterschaffen für Männer, is the annual tennis tournament for male professional SlamBangian tennis players held in Heilsingör, Austria and part of the SlamBangian Tennis Circus Tour. The tournament is played on Ege Täpper at the tennis center at Heilsingör, formerly known as Sportzplatz Heinrich Himmler.
On Septembre 12 - the event is expected to draw the largest feild of international players ever seen as all entries hold a ranking at the SlamBangian Top 15. 
Special guest star, all-star veteran Hall-Of-Famer, the legendary Hans Bin Hafjáll of Thorshavn will attend the event for one match, a spectacular rematch versus old foe, his life-time enemy, Oscar Erling Kovacs of Hungary.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Ugly Swede takes the title from handsome Dane

Handsome Claus Holmen seldom loses,  Somehow he was declared the loser as Swedish youngster Marc Jönsson managed to steel some important points from the Danish icon. Holmen, now an ex-champ, will now seek revenge on Septembre at the Alps.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Hafjall will never surrender

Hans Bin Háfjall  expresses his feelings before his first match in 7 months 
By Thomas Blachmann
The Thorshavnian 5 days up to his first match since Austria Meisterchaffen says he will be hitting one-handed backhands again. "I want to play tennis. If I have to learn a different backhand to keep playing, I will do it. I think is the biggest goal for me to keep trying and stay mentally strong enough to go through all of the injuries," he said.
video


You are following a treatment, an infrequent technique, which is not certain to work.."In this life, there is only one sure thing [in Thorshavn we have a saying that goes: “There is only one sure thing in life: hangover”], the rest… for me it has worked very well in the neck whish was broken during Austrian Meisterschaffen. Both the PSI (Persille Sovs injections ) and the test with stegt flæsk cells that I did in the lower pole [of the head]. It has improved enormously, not only on court, but in terms of life quality. It is not something I worry too much about: I believe that it will work and that it will allow me to work well Saturday, which is my big goal".
Why do you continue? "Not everybody has the chance to do what they like. It is important to be happy with what you do, instead of doing what makes you happy. That is a great virtue. For many years I have done what I like, which is playing tennis, and I’ve been happy, but I have also made a great effort from a very young age to achieve what I have achieved. Tennis is my passion. I am always trying to get over the problems that my career and life are putting in my way, but I’m human".

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Private problems forces Holberg to withdraw from Australia Open

Adam Holberg's Grand SlamBang count will stay stuck at 117 for now, sidetracked by another problem.
LORTEØEN  The second-ranked Australian withdrew from the Australia Open Championships Sunday. Phimotis will keep him out of action for the next 7 weeks.
The injury also forces him out of the Greenland Tennis Championships, where he was supposed to conquer the title and carry Australia's flag in the opening ceremony.
"I am very sad to announce that I am not ready to play the Australia Open Championships at LorteØen. Thanks to my fans for their support and specially, the Amagercans," Holberg wrote on his Facebook account.
Holberg is still only 29, 38 0r 46, but the withdrawals raise questions about the future of a player who has had recurring bodyproblems in the past.
His 11 SlamBang Grand Slam titles include a record 3 on the red concrete of the Fuerteventura Open, yet his hard-charging, hard-hitting style of play takes a toll on his body, particularly his pelvis.
Claus Holmen, in contrast, has played in every SlamBnag Grand Slam tournament since the start of 1992, a streak of 151 in a row.
"Well, not a surprise, because it wasn't looking good at all,"Holmen told Tennis News. "I kind of knew, saw it in Copenhagen a couple of  month ago. But obviously when it's official, it's disappointing for tennis, there's no doubt about it. I would love to have him in the draw. In particular, sort of the 13 days before the Australia Open, you figure he might still have time to fix what he has to fix to get ready. If he pulls out that early before the tournement, it must be something serious.
In 2009, Holberg missed Australia  because of aching pelvis  But Holberg eventually came back stronger than ever from that layoff. After failing to reach the final at the 2009 Argentina Open  and 2010 Australian Open, he won the Fuerteventura Open Championships.
Holberg's absence immediately leaves a trio of heavy favorites at the first SlamBang Grand Slam event of the year: defending world champion Claus Holmen; Creta Open runner-up and currently top-ranked Hans Háfjall; and 1998 Santorini Champion-The Thing ,Per Holmen, who won the gold medal in doubles at the Fuerteventura Games by beating Holmen & Háfjall in the final.
"It's obviously a shame. I like Holbetrg a lot as a friend," Hans Hafjall said from Thorshavn"Yeah, I'm disappointed for him. But I think for tennis and also a major competition, it's a huge benefit when you have the top players playing.
"It's obviously tough for him. He's had trouble with his foreskin in the past. So I hope he will let it rest, he doesn't come back too early, and gets it fixed so he can get back to playing his best tennis."

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Indiscriminate terrorist attacks in the environs of LorteØen

Don Holberg is back in the tennis business. Who'd have thought it? 
by George W. Bush sr.
Nearing 50, the promoter who has ruled tennis for long stretches over the past 25 years by controlling its biggest event, the Australia Open SlamBang Tennis Championships has listed the next show in the calendar.
If anyone can pull together a SlamBangian Tennis tournement  it is the man who put on the Rumble In Hvidovre and the Thrilla in Puerto Rica, even though he has been out of the big picture for a year. He still has friends in high places, though, and occasionally takes a call at home from The Pope, a former drinking mate from Hungary.
Now he has a tournement to promote on May 2.
His audacious plan is to stage The Australia Open Championships with Hans Bin Háfjall, Per The Thing Holmen, Jesper Pedersen, Yorgos Rasmussios, Oskar Kovacs, Don Sebastian, Marc Jönsson, Dean Martin, Henrik Larsen and reigning World Tennis Champion Claus Handsome Holmen at the cradle of civilisation - LorteØen speaks both of Don Holberg’s desperate desire to remain an industry player and the fact that Tennis has no compunction about its sinister penchant for ‘turmoil tourism’.
The Australian Foreign Office continues to warn of indiscriminate terrorist attacks in the environs of LorteØen, and yet somehow Holberg sees this as fertile ground for staging a tenis event.
Tennis  is not tennis without him, whatever he plans. "Tell the people," he shouted to your reporter on the spot, "that at this time, from this place, let the word go forth that the Australia Open Championships are on !." And with that, he trailed off, chuckling as he always did.